Of being heavy. Of being tired. Of being unmotivated. By being shackled by the limitations I have subscribed to in my mind.
There’s a great song by one of my favorite bands, The Manic Street Preachers called ‘My little empire’ and there is a line that says ‘my little empire, I’m tired of being tired’. The entire song speaks to me, and that line (and others) really just hits home. The song can be found on the album ‘This is my truth, now tell me yours’, worth a listen.
I’m tired of what I have let myself accept as normal. Especially physically. I was getting close to the heaviest I have ever been again. This obviously causes all sorts of issues not only physically, but it doesn’t help my depression at all either. You get depressed about your physical appearance, depressed when all of the sudden some of your favorite shirts don’t fit, depressed when you start struggling to keep up with the little guy. It keeps piling on weighing you down even more making it all that much harder to overcome.
I think that not keeping up with the little guy is one of the biggest impacts. I want to be around as long as possible for him and newmom. It doesn’t help that I am already an older dad, being out of condition does nothing for me or him. In the current episode of one of my favorite podcasts (The Ringing Ear) both of the hosts discuss this very thing, wanting to be around as long as possible in the best condition possible (and probably subconsciously nudged me to write this) for their own kids.
I know it’s my own damn fault. I feel like the addict that says ‘I can quit any time’ while getting his next fix. I really don’t have many excuses or reasons to justify this.
So that is why the past few posts have been very important and seem to all be connected. I got the good advice to stop, look up and take note of my current environment. I got out on the bike when I did just that with the little guy (we could have just stayed in and watched TV or played video games) and it gave me the spark to start doing something about it by getting on the bike as often as I can.
Thank you for reading my vent. I didn’t write it for sympathy, I wrote it to make myself accountable. For what I let myself allow to happen and start making the changes I need to be there as long as possible and be happier and more content when I am.